In Pursuit Of Love- The Emotional Rollercoaster That Is Online Dating!

Recently I decided to dip my toes into the world of online dating. I had previously given it a go with not much success! but with the dawn of 2022, I wanted to approach my dating life with new energy and purpose and with a completely open mind…

Within a few short days, I had several conversations with a handful of men that appeared to have a similar outlook on life and similar interests. As soon as we engaged in conversations, it became clear that they weren’t ready for dating and most certainly weren’t ready for a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to voice it!

I was quickly reminded of why I dislike online dating. The process of taking and selecting the pictures that show you in your best light, the art of writing a profile that basically says what you’re about and what you’re looking for - (which doesn’t include dick picks, one-night stands or game playing) is a real journey in itself! and this is before you have even agreed to meet. The whole process makes me feel uncomfortable and I know myself well enough by now that when I have that gut feeling, something is definitely off.

Anyhow, I persisted, and after a couple of days of texting I did agree to meet a couple of men who appeared to tick the boxes of being polite, kind and with some degree of emotional intelligence. Sadly, when we met, they didn’t look anything like the pictures they had on their profile and I found their behaviour to be really strange! With one, reaching over to squeeze my breasts with a ‘honk, honk’ and with that, I decided, that was it. No more online dating. It simply, is not, my vibe!

In pursuit of love…

You see, I had tried online dating before and sadly, the outcome has always been the same. To be clear here, this post isn’t just aimed at men, I’ve come to realise that women are also posting pictures of their 20-year younger self, 4 stone lighter and pitching themselves up for anything!

And herein lies the problem. Online, you are having to sell yourself to have any chance of been ‘liked’, ‘favourited’ and messaged. It’s a complete sales pitch and to most of us, that’s not how we roll. The person at the other end of the site is scrolling, swiping left or right in seconds and within those few seconds, judgements are being made, without us ever speaking a word to each other. To be in with a chance to catch someone’s eye, you need to get their attention in 2 seconds flat!

When we must sell ourselves, the whole process becomes forced, we become fearful of not being good enough, we start to doubt ourselves and compare ourselves and it becomes a cycle of insecurity and neediness which isn’t good at all!

When we mentally imagine ourselves with the person we are looking at on the screen, trusting their pictures and bio are a real reflection of them it becomes bitterly disappointing when you meet them and in reality, they are nothing like how they have sold themselves. Why would you put yourself through that? If you are posting overly filtered photos of when you were in your 20’s and you’re currently in your 40’s, it’s going to turn the other person off immediately and it’s not fair on them or you.

Online we become someone else and when we are not being our true authentic self, we are not going to attract our dream partner or a genuine, lasting relationship.

Even though I’ve finally realised that online dating isn’t for me, I’m grateful of the experience (I’ll discuss more about the actual dates on my podcast later this week - prepare to be shocked! 😂) It has taught me that I only want to be my true, authentic self and attract kind, emotionally intelligent men. I am not in the market for anything else. Because if I can’t be myself, what is the point? I’m also knocking on 42’s door. I am past the one-night stands, the walk of shame, the game playing, jealousy fuelled relationships. I suppose you could say I’ve evolved. I’m comfortable in my own skin, very capable of being by myself and I’m not in a rush to find ‘the one’.

I’m also a Piscean. Pisceans are dreamers 😂 and very romantic. We dream of catching someone’s eye in a room and having that instant chemistry, we fall in love quickly and whole heartedly. We crave to be around people, to have interaction and to build trust over time. Online dating and the whole process of that, is simply not for us! 

So, if online is your only way of meeting people, how the hell do you navigate it, being your true, authentic self and have a chance of meeting someone who is looking for the same thing?

In my experience, to give yourself the best chance of being successful, you need to stick to some simple rules.

Here are my tips for if you really have to do the online dating:

1. Make an effort to do your hair and makeup, take a couple of selfies with good lighting, holding the camera above your face, not below!

2. If you really are not comfortable posting a ‘raw’ picture, edit them slightly but try not to smooth over every single line in your face or add fillers to your lips - remember you want to attract authentic men, you must be yourself as much as possible.

3. Post a couple of headshots and a full frontal shot, if you are comfortable in doing so.

4. When it comes to writing a bio, be yourself, be positive in your outlook and write about what you love to do in your spare time. I also wrote what I was not looking for, I made it very clear to scroll on by if they were looking to engage in dirty talk, exchange nudes or wanted a one-night stand. Serious enquiries only 😃 this didn’t stop them from trying! but at least when I blocked them, I knew I had been honest in my approach.

5. When you start to engage in conversations, ask about how long they have been on the site and how they are finding it. You can tell a lot from their response to those questions. Think to yourself, are they ready to be dating? have they dealt with their ‘stuff’? this may only start to become apparent when you meet, but if you are intuitive like me, you usually can see this quite early on. A clear sign they are not, is if they are talking endlessly about their ex, sound bitter or are really keen to get you naked! (or, on a date I had recently, they had only just lost their partner 4 weeks prior!!!!)

6. If they haven’t bothered to write a bio, no matter how hot their picture is, scroll on by! You’ve made an effort to put a profile together the other person should be equally invested in their pursuit of an authentic relationship.

7. If they ask you for more photographs of you on the side, the back of you etc etc, politely explain you’ve posted your verified pictures and you are in fact who you say you are. That’s usually enough for the time wasters to move on!

8. When you get to the stage of arranging your first date, ALWAYS meet in a coffee shop. Make it clear you have a spare 45min-1 hour, that way, if they turn out to be nothing like their profile the only thing you have lost is 45mins of your time and you can excuse yourself with a valid excuse.

9. If you make it to date 2, which is likely to be a walk, meal or drink in the evening, make it clear you will be going home at the end of it, you still don’t know enough about this person to spend the night with them (as I have found out several times! – more about this in my latest podcast episode)

10. If you make it to date 3, then come back here and tell me how it goes. I haven’t got to that stage yet 😂

You might feel after reading this that I am too fussy or have very high expectations and the truth is, I do! 

Here’s the thing….

We can spend many years in relationships that don’t serve us. When you put their needs ahead of yours, where you abandon yourself to make sure their needs are met and they are happy. This is like putting a round peg in a square hole.

As women, we have been trained to sacrifice our needs and to blame ourselves when relationships don’t work. We make many excuses for partners who are not ready to evolve in a relationship and if we have high standards for all other areas of our lives, why should a relationship be any different? and the truth is, the longer we stay in a relationship or chasing emotionally unavailable men, that block us from being our unapologetically true selves, the longer we keep the RIGHT partner at a distance and I am no longer available for that.

Levelling up, transforming into the best version of us, involves loss. Clinging on to the people and situations that keep us small leaves us feeling in pain. We’ve  got to be okay with releasing what’s not meant for us before we can call in what is.

We’ve got to be okay walking away. The end of a relationship or marriage , does not mean the end of your life. In fact, it’s usually just the beginning.

Moving forward, I will never register on an online dating site again. If I remain single for the rest of my life then so be it! My amazing life is not worth sacrificing for someone who has no desire to be in a loving, kind, giving and receiving relationship. 

Remember that, if a man wants a seat at the table then they’d better be sure as hell ready to handle a woman who can give everything they need and to be able to handle giving everything she needs with only the kindest of intent.

For me, I want the real deal and I won’t settle for anything less.

Happy dating Iconic Queens 💖

To listen to me talk more about the emotional rollercoaster that is online dating, head over to my podcast here